Vulnerable

Three years ago I had my life somewhat figured out, I had plans, dreams, hopes, etc. I left my home and lived 10hrs away attending a Bible college, and broke up with the man whom I almost allowed myself to love for the rest of my life. Not even a week into my new surroundings, I realized one thing very quickly that I needed to understand, "surrender." I was fragile and needed some hard core Holy Spirit refreshment. I had planned myself into a corner where reality did not fit...and now, three years later, I am facing those same empty walls of disappointment, fear, and unknown. I see lovely pages in my journal in which I wrote eloquent aspirations and no seed was watered by the Word to germinate...I am just like these nasty scientists who are making genetically modified crap that we eat. I try and make things work in my own power and strength. I resist praying and even wise counsel. Why? One word: SELFISH.

Grace is offensive to this sinner. I want to be able to have to work for this gift of salvation and earn this love that I have yet to understand. I understand a little bit of the Psalmist cry when he says "Where can I flee from your presence?" It is aggravating to not have you confined in one place! But I really don't mean that, it is just that sometimes I wish you could be blinded to my flaws, fears, and fully exposed vision of who I am. 

In this intimidating state I know this: God is, I am. My kids and I have been studying about Moses in Bible class and my faith is being tried! ha. Today we got to the nitty gritty and asked ourselves a hard question, "Do we think of God as more of a concept or reality?" It was a wonderful discussion and led me to think about many analogies that I could use to help better teach this truth. I am currently sitting in with my preschoolers as they nap and there is a globe in my view :) This globe is such an illustration for me. Bear with me as I try and explain. God is like this globe, not in looks, certainly, but in the sense that He has many distinct characteristics, kind of like cultures. In some ways I see Him as very boisterous and funny, easy to be around and full of joy and laughter, kind of like a South African! At other times I see Him as quiet and distant, hard to read and very introverted, like a Saudi woman when you first meet. The more I travel in this life or learn of cultures, I experience different aspects of God-who He has made in every part of the world is a reflection of Him, even in culture! It takes time, energy, and cost to experience the places of this world. It takes just as much work to experience Christ, to really be able to say "I have tasted and I have seen!" God is becoming more and more real to me, and my excitement and joy come whenever I choose to explore His nature, what He is like, Who He is! Relationship, this is the word we all too often attach to God and us, but real relationships in my days are often much more maintained than this one I am seeking to believe and live and learn from :) When I went to India this summer I had some very fresh sights, sounds, and smells, they were overpowering, as in, it was impossible to ignore them all. I want this to be true of Jesus, His character should be just as overpowering in my life, that this world should have a very difficult time ignoring His presence!